More Kiwi Songs you won't be hearing on the National Programme

In case you missed, it back in March I scanned my record collection, in an effort to formulate what I considered to be ‘The Top 10 most Offensive Kiwi Song Titles’ ever.

At the end of the process, I came-up with 15 songs, all worthy entries in their own right. Either that or I’m an indecisive prick, unable to make hard choices and curb it back to ten(?)

Any way since then, I’ve come across a number of ‘juicy’ titles which I missed in the initial research, and I feel it’s only fair they too achieved the lofty mantle amongst ‘the most offensive’ ever (yep, I’m employing that tacky tactic of putting ‘ever’ at the end, as if to deride other such lists, and at the same time emphasise what bloody good titles I’ve rooted out)

Here’s hoping the bands involved, will enjoy this dubious distinction.

If not – tough!

So here we go folks, six more tunes to avoid playing when mums in the room:

Hi-Tone Destroyers: ‘Deep inside Teenage Pussy’
The Users: ‘Arseful of Fist’
Steffan Van Soest Hit Machine: ‘Hey Mother Fucker’
Palace of Wisdom: ‘Eat You Out’
Peter Gutteridge: ‘Fuck Your Mother to Hell’

Chris Hazelwood: 'Wankfest'

This list is obviously ‘a work in process’ so be sure to send me your songs for inclusion, eh.

Oh yeah, the picture at the top is The Steffan Van Soest Hit-Machine. No, it wasn't taken at his Granny's 70th.

Kiwi Songs they won’t be playing on the radio!

Offensive lyrics are worldwide phenomenon.

Music after all is a basic form of self expression.

Running parallel to the use of offensive lyrics you’ll discover the obligatory list of ‘Offensive Song Titles’.

Titles, that leave nothing to the imagination as to where the song is leading.

Titles, you’d half expect to find scrawled on the back of a year nines school book.

Titles, that assured the song would be buried on B side of some obscure EP.

Titles, which doubtless had the Broadcasting Standard Authority frothing at the mouth.

One thing my research showed, was the assumption New Zealand's ‘Offensive Song Titles’ are the sole prerogative of a bunch of black t-shirted bogan metallers from New Plymouth – is infact wrong!

A song penned by Chris Knox making the list is hardly surprising in itself. But even I have more hair than this guy.

Phil Judd penned ‘Mind Fucked’ last year and will be eligible for a pension in a decade.

Cripes, even grandmother's favourite son Eddie Low went close to an entry, with ‘I’ve never been to bed with an Ugly Woman’.

And as much as I’d have like to have include ‘Nice Legs shame about the Face’ by The Car Thieves, I’m sure you’ll concur the songs below tipped the ‘offensive meter’ well into the red zone.

A Handful Of Dust’s ‘He who eats the maggots of the Palm Tree’ also went close.

As did Lungs ‘Elvis Arsehole’ and ‘Aren’t I a Dickhead’ by Indulgence.

You’ll also spot a cross-over factor between bands with unusual & offensive names (refer previous blog entry below) penning a fair splattering of abhorrent song titles.

After formulating a starting line-up of 60 odd songs I whittled it down to the 15 you find below.

It was a tough thankless job, but someone had to do it.

My mother helped me out.

DAD, WHAT’S THAT MAN SINGING??

Dean – ‘Yippie Chi Yea Motherfucker’

Ho’ Dogs – ‘Blood on my Cock’

Claires Unnatual Twin – ‘K.T.C.U.N.T’

Meatbix – ‘Hard-on for Jesus’

Scuzzbuckets – ‘Horny as Fuck’

Phil Judd – ‘Mind Fucked’

Celia Mancini – ‘Sucked-in Rock n’ Roll Cunts’

Merlen & The Freeloaders – ‘Back Door Girl’

No Tag – ‘What a Great Cunt’ry’

Halion .25 – ‘What the fuck does it matter to you?’

Last Man Down – ‘Hanged in a Police Cell’

? Fog Enterprises – ‘Fat Man with a Big Dork’

Tall Dwarfs – ‘If I were a Piece of Shit’

Indulgence – ‘Aren’t I a Fuckin’ Dickhead’

T.A.B – ‘Used Prophylactics ’


Footnote:

Consider this list an ‘appetiser to the main course’.

Coming shortly, at great expense in time: ‘Unusual Kiwi Song Titles’.