Do Offal and Music Mix?

How does one adequately submit a dissertation,on arguably New Zealand's most eclectic & satarical band??

Well let's try, by starting with the lead guitarist, who at one point used the pseudonym 'Gaylord Jesus'. Then there's the duet of 'Tennessee Pussy' & 'Bi-Curious George' (imagine the two chicks out of the B52's, but with attitude and a more liberal application of the both the English language and body art) A hyperactive rhythm section that's currently masquerading under the names 'Doghart' and 'El Grinlound Frajillo' – well at least that's the names they used last week anyway. Then into the stage presence: ball-room dress's for the fellas, and for your added viewing pleasure a selection of dubious super 8 films. Include the occasional bucket of offal for crowd control, and a musical style that ranges from country to prog rock. Kind of Blerta meets The Mothers of Invention with a hint of Coney Island Freak Show,but not exactly.

And what we have got for dinner mum?

MEAT-BIX!

Not again, we had it last night.

Their musical 'piesta resistance' has to be that grand ol' piss-taking anthem 'I've Got a Hard-On for Jesus' (not to be confused with a song with the same title by 'The Dandy Warhols', which is also worthy of a check-out)

This knees-up ditty is deserving of a wider audience, so you have the chance to play it here and sing & dance along with the family at the same time.

Ask yourself - has blasphemy ever been this much fun and been so damn catchy?!

"I've got a Hard-On for Jesus" by Meat-Bix.

I went down to the church, to have myself a pray

On the cross was my Saviour and Lord

Well he was lookin' 'bout as naked as a jaybird

And I felt somethin' growin' in my shorts.

I've got a hard on for Jesus

It's bulging 'gainst my leg, can't you see?

Yes, I've got a hard on for Jesus

And Jesus has his hard on for me

Yeah, Jesus has his hard on for me.
I felt the devil pull me asunder

These thoughts of mine, they filled me with such shame

Well he was looking so right fine and perty

I fell on my knees and wanked off in his name

Yes, I fell on my knees and wanked off in his name.

'Cos I've got a hard on for JesusIt's bulgin' 'gainst my leg, can't you see?

Yeah, I've got a hard on for Jesus H. Christ

And Jesus has his hard on for me

Yeah, Jesus has his hard on for me.

His bedroom eyes were burnin', they were searin' my soul

He didn't have to say any words
I felt the hand of Jesus give that final downstroke

And I shot my load and shouted Praise the Lord (PRAISE THE LORD!)

Yeah I shot my load and shouted PRAISE THE LORD!!!

More about Meatbix here: http://www.myspace.com/meatbix

Buy Meatbix's seven track debut EP here: http://www.myspace.com/galaxyrecordsnz

Top 10 Kiwi Albums

Ask say 100 Kiwi Music fans to name their Top Ten Albums and you’ll get 100 different lists.


As the great bard once said: “Opinions are like arseholes, everyone’s got one”.

With such lists they’ll always be a divergence of entries, reflecting the demographics, race, social structures, music of that time etc.

Peoples taste also change although for the most part we are ‘slaves’ to the music we listened to in our teens.

New artists come on the scene and replace what was once considered ‘treasured material’. Your favourite album from your teens is likely to now be buried in the back of your collection. Playing it 20 years on is likely to produce more nostalgic warm-fuzzies than adulation.

Everyone also is has bias, whether they advertise the fact or not.

This bias is referred to in sugar-coated terms as ‘taste’.

Thus we hide behind ‘taste’ when in reality we are simply covering-up our innate bias.

I for example have an unashamedly love of alternative Indy music – thus my list comes minus any submissions of ‘the hip-hop kind’.

Objectivity is never a part of any individuals own choice in music. Each of us is presumptuous enough to declare our own list ‘better’ for reasons which we justify on the same indignant tones as someone else defending their choices.

On seeing someone’s else’s opposing list we’ll automatically and defiantly state “how the hell could you miss [insert your album]!”. Let’s take this as read.

Hey, that’s the great thing about music and of course there is no ‘Official Top Albums’ and never can be. ‘Rip It Up’ comprised a Top 100 Albums in their December 2001 issue, drawing opinions for rock music aficionados and muso’s alike(39 odd of these are in my own collection in one form or another).

Annually, December signals the time in which musical scribes pick their Top Albums of the Year. So they’ll always be such lists and ensuing arguments as to their merits.


My Top Ten Kiwi Albums is what it is.

MY Top Ten.

No justification or elaborations necessary.

That’s after all, the very nature of a blog!

SPLIT ENZ – MENTAL NOTES

KING LOSER – CAUL OF THE OUTLAW

ABLE TASMANS – NICE CUPPA TEA & LIE DOWN

PINE – LONG PLAYER

THE CLEAN – TALLY HO

THE TERMINALS – LAST DAYS OF THE SUN

SKEPTICS – SENSIBLE SHOES

SUBLIMINALS – UNITED STATE

FETUS PRODUCTIONS – FETAL MANIA

BLAM BLAM BLAM – LUXURY LENGTH

Have fun making your own.

An interview with Failsafe Records el-supremo Rob Mayes

To coincide with the FAILSAFE RECORDS MUSIC MONTH , the great saviour of local Indy Music, Failsafe label owner, producer, musician, writer, rock historian, mollycuddler to the musically unwashed, the inimitable ROB MAYES has the blow-torch applied to his y-fronts.

Q.) Starting from square one, how does a band/artist go about getting recorded on Failsafe? Do they come to you? Or do you approach prospects?

Failafe's a hobby label, most releases don't break even so if I'm going to put a lot of time and money into something it has to be because I think its a worthy project, or cos I'm into it personally.

There is the odd release on the label that I'm not that invested in where I've put something out cos I know and like the people, but I try to keep that to a minimum and certainly in recent times its all personal projects. If you want to draw my attention to your personal project that fits within the music tastes that the label clearly follows then I'm happy to hear from bands but I don't take kindly to being approached by blues rock outfits wanting me to release their latest jam because it shows the band clearly hasn't taken the time to investigate my label and what I do, and blues rock would be one of the many styles of music I don't do, along with hip hop, soul, r & b etc.

The label is specifically a post punk, post rock, alternative melodic indie guitar label.

Q.)What's the future looking like for Independent Labels in New Zealand?

Harder to break even or generate any money to cover costs without compromising your art.

Q.) How's pirating affecting you guys?

Its pretty hard to find any of our stuff on limewire or bit torrent, but cd copying is definitely making it difficult to continue to do releases,when there are reduced sales in an already small market its going to be harder for any label or artist to do the next record. Music fans should acknowledge this issue and make a conscious effort to channel money to their favourite artists, or not be surprised when they stop making music and get a job in a fast food joint.

Q.) What's your favourite Failsafe band of all-time?

I've got favourite tracks. I love:
substandard - global research system
YFC - most of the ricochet album
Eight Living legs - don't do that near me
147 Swordfish - love (off avalanche)
Beat Rhythm Fashion - most of the album

I also really like some of my own music, cos I make music that I would want to hear so I don't see it so much as being egotistical to like it. I made it cos its what I was missing in available music.

I'm very proud of The Throw albums, particularly the track softly off Dreambaby goodbye. The middle section of that song is one of my favourite bits of production.

Likewise The new Kimo album, some really good moments on that puppy which people will be able to sample for themselves soon.

Q.) And your fav Failsafe Album?

See above. A little hard for me to choose. Like asking me to pick a favourite child (if I had kids)

Definitely some important albums for me like the YFC and BRF ones, and the Kimo Throw and dolphin albums.

Q.) The undisputed best local band you've had the pleasure of seeing live, are or were?

I really enjoyed "how to kill" who supported Into the Void twice at the Dux in 2006. I'm hoping to pursuade them to record something soon.

Q.) The Failsafe band that should have 'made it' but didn't ,was?

There's quite a few there, and I feel semi guilty about not going all out for some of them, but in reality Failsafe is a one man label and I do as much as I can, more than I should possibly, ie slightly obsessively not putting enough into other aspects of a healthy life :)

Throw were a pretty good live band. We had song ideas worked out which were often simple riffs and hooks, but we left the length and dynamic of the piece open so sometimes you could blow yourself away with the power of a version. A lot of that came from my relationship with Drummer Steve Birss from our 6 years of music together and we'd drag Taylor along for the ride.

YFC were ground breaking and still were on their 2005 reunion gigs. They may play again.

BRF wrote some amazing songs and their gigs in 82 still ring clear in my mind.

But really a lot of the failure to make it of these bands was of their own doing, or undoing. it takes a lot of effort with no reward before you start to see even a little of what you need to see to justify attempting to make it. And NZ really isn't that good at recognising or supporting its art, notable wasters of good public funding which could go to making it easier for artist to make art are NZ on Air who now routinely divert money to the least culturally significant sounds around (i.e. the stuff that sounds like overseas trends). They should be ashamed of themselves for an organisation who's logo is "our voice, our country".

Q.) Granted one wish and the opportunity to join any group, past or present, what band would you be in?

Well I was already lucky enough to play with Children's Hour on their reform tour of '05 so I wouldn't want to push my luck wishing for anything more, but YFC or Joy Division or Cure, maybe Killing Joke or Comsat Angels guest spots would be nice.

Q.) The coolest guy in the band is always the?

I really don't notice things like that. I do admire talent (the unthinking ability to produce inspirational sounds) above skill (the planned and practiced) though, and a great emotive musical drummer always gets my attention and appreciation. You can get a bad band with a good drummer, but you very rarely get a good band with a bad drummer. the drummer makes or breaks it for me.

Some of my favourite drummers have been:
Steve Birss - Dolphin and Throw Drummer.
Chris Spark - Degrees K, exceedingly musical in his drumming, you could almost hum his drum lines.
Michael Daly - YFC, Eskimo. No denying his drum parts are integral to YFC.
Bevan Sweeney - Children's hour, Headless Chickens. The drum pattern to gaskrankinstation is one of the best sculpted pieces of writing I've witnessed.
David Toland - Playthings, Expendables, Springloader. another extremely expressive player.

On the Children's Hour tour I had the chance to complete the set of playing with my favourite drummers of the early eighties. Birss, Daly and Sweeney. a great honor, although I wouldn't say that to their faces cos you got to keep drummers in their place :)

Footnote: Tune to Pure NZ Alt Radio in April and you'll have the pleasure of listening to Rob's labour of love. It's 100% Failsafe music 24/7.

Kiwi Songs they won’t be playing on the radio!

Offensive lyrics are worldwide phenomenon.

Music after all is a basic form of self expression.

Running parallel to the use of offensive lyrics you’ll discover the obligatory list of ‘Offensive Song Titles’.

Titles, that leave nothing to the imagination as to where the song is leading.

Titles, you’d half expect to find scrawled on the back of a year nines school book.

Titles, that assured the song would be buried on B side of some obscure EP.

Titles, which doubtless had the Broadcasting Standard Authority frothing at the mouth.

One thing my research showed, was the assumption New Zealand's ‘Offensive Song Titles’ are the sole prerogative of a bunch of black t-shirted bogan metallers from New Plymouth – is infact wrong!

A song penned by Chris Knox making the list is hardly surprising in itself. But even I have more hair than this guy.

Phil Judd penned ‘Mind Fucked’ last year and will be eligible for a pension in a decade.

Cripes, even grandmother's favourite son Eddie Low went close to an entry, with ‘I’ve never been to bed with an Ugly Woman’.

And as much as I’d have like to have include ‘Nice Legs shame about the Face’ by The Car Thieves, I’m sure you’ll concur the songs below tipped the ‘offensive meter’ well into the red zone.

A Handful Of Dust’s ‘He who eats the maggots of the Palm Tree’ also went close.

As did Lungs ‘Elvis Arsehole’ and ‘Aren’t I a Dickhead’ by Indulgence.

You’ll also spot a cross-over factor between bands with unusual & offensive names (refer previous blog entry below) penning a fair splattering of abhorrent song titles.

After formulating a starting line-up of 60 odd songs I whittled it down to the 15 you find below.

It was a tough thankless job, but someone had to do it.

My mother helped me out.

DAD, WHAT’S THAT MAN SINGING??

Dean – ‘Yippie Chi Yea Motherfucker’

Ho’ Dogs – ‘Blood on my Cock’

Claires Unnatual Twin – ‘K.T.C.U.N.T’

Meatbix – ‘Hard-on for Jesus’

Scuzzbuckets – ‘Horny as Fuck’

Phil Judd – ‘Mind Fucked’

Celia Mancini – ‘Sucked-in Rock n’ Roll Cunts’

Merlen & The Freeloaders – ‘Back Door Girl’

No Tag – ‘What a Great Cunt’ry’

Halion .25 – ‘What the fuck does it matter to you?’

Last Man Down – ‘Hanged in a Police Cell’

? Fog Enterprises – ‘Fat Man with a Big Dork’

Tall Dwarfs – ‘If I were a Piece of Shit’

Indulgence – ‘Aren’t I a Fuckin’ Dickhead’

T.A.B – ‘Used Prophylactics ’


Footnote:

Consider this list an ‘appetiser to the main course’.

Coming shortly, at great expense in time: ‘Unusual Kiwi Song Titles’.

Unusual Kiwi Band Names

[Birchville Cat Motel]

Unusual & just plain strange band names litter rock music, and New Zealand is no different, producing over the decades its fair share of weird & wonderful monikers.

But before I start, it’s appropriate to give mention to group names,that simply ooze New Zealand.

One quick look at these band name’s, almost has you involuntarily humming a bar from ‘Counting the Beat’.

QUINTISENTIAL KIWI BAND NAMES……

Bulldogs Allstar Goodtime Band
Daggy & The Dickheads
Dusty Spittle & The Mountaineers
Hogsnort Ruperts Original Flagon Band
Johnny Velox & The Vauxhalls
Naughty Pakehas
Moana & The Moa Hunters
Op-Shop
Pakakura Post Office
Pioneer Pog ‘n’ Scroggin Bush Band
Ripper Bunch of Blokes
Upper Hutt Posse
T.A.B
Wheetbix Boys

Leading on from this it’s also necessary to create a separate (unkempt) ‘pigeon hole’ for those wondrous bands who have a ‘message’ in their name.

That message is: f*ck-you.

DAD THIS IS MY NEW BOYFRIEND, HE’S IN A BAND CALLED…..

Chainsaw Masochist
C.U.N.T
Dr Kevorkian and The Suicide Machine

The Fucking Am
Glory Fckn Sun
Let’s Get Naked
Love in a Gas Oven
Mothertrucker

Phallus
Proud Scum
Satan’s Pitbull
Scuzzbuckets
Shit All To Hell
Starlight Faggot Feast

The Mind Fuckers
Thee Strapons

Now you can see I’m painting a bit of a picture here and you’re getting the gist of where this is leading.

That’s the different, the strange.

The distinctive New Zealand band names that in most cases, outlived the respective bands musical output.

UNUSUAL NEW ZEALAND BAND NAMES

Birchville Cat Motel
Bressa Creeting Cake
Claires Unnatural Twin
Dillengers Brain
Dappled Cities Fly
Drugs vs. Grandchildren
Eight Living Legs
Fatal Jelly Space
Feast of Frogs
Flies Inside The Sun
Hi Revving Tongues
Life in The Fridge Exists
Lord Foultleroy the 4th & The Prohibition
Mainly Spaniards
My Deviant Daughter
Naked Spots Dance
Out of The Compost
Say Yes to Apes

SMACC Riflemen
Soluble Fish Ensemble
Soggy Porridge
Stark Naked & The Car Thieves
Sven Olsen’s Brutal Canadians Love Saga
Surplus Sons of a Factory Nation
Wreck Small Speakers on Expensive Speakers
The Wide Mouthed Frogs

HONOURABLE MENTION (NO I DIDN’T MISS THESE)

Ballon D’Essai
All Fall Down
Bang! Bang! Eche!
Dog Tooth Violet
Exploding Budgies
Flaming Weirpigs
Future Stupid
Garbage and The Flowers
Hallelujah Picassos
Handful Of Dust
Jean Paul Sartre Experience
Look Blue Go Purple
Not Really Anything
Loves Ugly Children
Neoteric Tribesmen
Nocturnal Projections
Penknife Glides
Pop Art Toasters
Queen Meanie Puss
Sandoz Lab Technicians
School Of Meat
Semi Lemon Kola
Six Impossible Things
Squid Christmas
They Were Expendable
This Will Kill That

Now I can hear your howls of derision that I’ve forgotten ‘X’ (insert name of band)

Well if that’s the case shoot me a bloody e.mail or forever hold ya peace!

The criteria is simple: they must have been recorded.

Cheers.

Paul

Don't You Hate Other Peoples Top Tens?

['Die! Die! Die!']

Hello listeners,

I will forgo any verbose preamble, and in the tried & true Kiwi fashion, akin to a sledgehammer - get right into it!

Over the past five weeks over 500 songs have gone out over the net to a worldwide audience.

And when I say worldwide, I’m talking about regular listeners from Spain to Argentina.

So what it's worth, here's moi’s Top Ten Kiwi songs as broadcast on Pure N.Z Alt Radio.

In no particular order:

Subliminals - ‘Radience’
Trash – ‘Telecom South’
Drone – ‘Farmer’
Double Happys – ‘Needles & Plastic’
The Mint Chicks – ‘Ockhams Razor’
Olla – ‘Olla Putrido’
Thought Creature – ‘Your Telepathy’
Straitjacket Fits – ‘Dailing a Prayer’
Skeptics – ‘Sensible Shoes’
Beat Rhythm Fashion - ‘Art & Duty’

To further this unabrashed exercise in self-indulgence (no not that sort of self indulgence, but there are similarities I have to admit) I'm going to be playing MY 'Top Ten' in amongst the 11 hours of new programming on MY station.

So there!

Suffer little children.

Listen-out for the new stuff from......

The Spoutts
Batrider
The L.e.d.s
Shocking Pinks

And re-cycled stuff from the vaults by.......

Ape Management
King Loser
Loves Ugly Children
Sferic Experiment
The Terminals
Solid Gold Hell

Where do I stop?

Listen-up!

My Filthy Wants

This may be stating the bleeding obvious, but it’s important to reiterate the sentiments that bought this station into fruition in the first place.

That is to promote Kiwi bands, largely ignored by mainstream media, home & abroad.

Internet Radio allows me to promote New Zealand Alternative Music to a worldwide audience.

It also offers a platform to establish a ‘live music museum’ - preserving music memories ,whilst at the same time promoting new acts.

I am always on the hunt for ‘lost gems’.

Some obscure limited edition 7” single that has been bought to light after residing in some fans book-shelf for 20 years & re-born by digitisation.

A compilation cassette comprising long dead regional bands.

Despite the efforts of home-grown labels like Failsafe (Rob for knighthood?) sadly much of New Zealand’s output alternative music scene 1980-2000 will never be re-released and largely exists only as a limited release piece of vinyl.

Please (makes sound like small puppy begging) if you can digitise/mp3 any music by the following bands I’d appreciate it.

Hey, I can hardly waltz into a record-shop and order it, can I? So I don’t feel I’m ripping the artists off by bludging in such an open blaise fashion.

WANTED! (in no particular order)

*Victor Dimisich Band* *Bressa Creeting Cake* *Bike*
*Dribbling Darts Of Love* *Dead Famous People* *Gerling*
*Ape Management* *Axel Grinders* *Death Ray Café*
*Milton Stowaways* *Murder Inc* *Marie & The Atom*

Footnote; Some of these artists appear on compilations of various kinds I have accumulated. I’m after their individual output if at all poss.

Ta very much.